Okay, so I was rereading the journal I kept in Costa Rica today. Yes, I should have been doing science. That's not the point. Anyway, I was kinda thinking about how I didn't blog a whole lot about Costa Rica, and I think the reason was that I got back from that trip feeling like I had more questions than answers, and I'd discovered more negative qualities about myself than positive. It was an amazing experience, but at the same time, it was a bit...I can't think of the word. I'm SO glad I went, and I think my absolute favorite time of day while we were there was just before dinner, when we were all sorta hanging around, doing random things...just chilling. There was such a sense of family and fun and...I loved it. With those memories, though, I think that reading back I realized that I learned stuff I hadn't necessarily anticipated. At various times I learned I'm jealous, selfish, afraid, self-centered, high-maintenance, proud...I learned how flawed I am, how insignificant I am. It reflects so much on how I need God. I think part of the reason I felt so confused was that everyone I've ever talked to who went on a missions trip came back glowing and praising God and so willing to talk about how amazing it was and how blessed they were, and when I got back all I wanted to do was sleep. Really. It was an awesome experience, but I think I maybe subconsciously wondered what I'd done wrong, that I wasn't reacting like that. I actually had such a rush of Costa-Rica away-from-home-sickness reading that journal! I missed everyone so much.
Anyway - in one of our devotions while we were there, the guy who was doing them (Marco) said that in the grand scheme of things, a lot of the time it's the people who go on the missions trip who are more affected by it than the people they serve. It's true. And looking back, I don't know if I would do it differently. I think God meant for me to learn that about myself; I think he meant for me to realize just how pitiful my attempts to be self-sufficient are. I could have done without the lying in bed at night wondering who the heck I was - another big, and slightly strange, discovery was that my idea of fun is different from everyone else's, and my personality, and basically everything that I am seems incongruent with everything everybody else is - but it was really an invaluable experience, no matter how many crazy confused questions about myself I came back with. And also that it would be good to figure out a bit more about myself sometime.
It's actually a bit like some of my characters, the ones I've made up. I made them, therefore when, for example, someone says, "What would Merrin do if ___?" I should know right off the bat, right? But more often than not the answer comes up like, "Well, she'd think this, but she'd probably do that. I'm not sure what her perspective is on ___, she hasn't told me yet." Sometimes my own characters surprise me (Merrin wants to cry at the strangest times. Not even kidding. I'll be sitting there writing her and all of the sudden she's crying and I'll be going "wha...?") so is it really much of a shock that I surprise myself as well?
And there are my ruminations for the day.
~Sil
"No, you lived in a hole south of Cleveland for ten years. Elvis lives there now."
EDIT: A school assignment today was to describe someone in ten lines of iambic pentameter. I'm pretty sure the iambic pentameter went out the window early on (I like to say I just, um, altered it to suit my specifications) but as members of my family might appreciate this, I thought I would post it.
My sister is a curious piece of work
She tends to sing and dance with loud and very
Raucous abandon, to which we sigh and roll
Our eyes observing her try to replicate
That bizarre phenomenon that is popular culture.
My brother finds her trivial and trite
His eyes roll more than all of us together
We call him by the name of Ben the Irked
And should she utter long and loud a phrase
He grumbles and professes to be concentrating.
6 comments:
No worries, Melda--you're not the only one who comes back from trips wondering why everyone else seems so much more...spiritually joyous. At least for me, it's more of a matter of reflection, of thinking back and seeing God's subtle ways of working in things, instead of spilling everything out to everyone about what He did, etc. I think it might have something to do with being introverted.
And I am always the odd one out in terms of interests. For example, I♥Reading. Most of my friends only read when they have to. Most of the people I've gone on missions trips only read when they have to. My interests and hobbies and stuff are (on average) completely incongruent with everyone I know in RL. w00t for oddballs. <_<
Lol. Your way of writing Merrin is really different than my way of writing my characters--most of them accept my direction, though several (such as Aedon in The Renegades) went their own way.
And that poem is....interesting. I can't recollect like anything from my English class pertaining to poetry, so I of course would have no idea whether or not you wrote that in iambic pentameter. :P
And you enjoyed Dickens? *horrified look*
Well, congradulations, you've figured out you're human. Don't worry, you're not alone, there are 6 billion+ more of us out here. Not only that, but you have an advantage over a lot of the rest of them, because you know you're not perfect. Many people older than you still haven't figured that out.
Anyways. Don't worry about it. It's a waste of time and it turns you into a nervous wreck. And trying to learn about oneself is, I've generally found, a waste of time. I personally think that our natural personaties aren't a big deal, can be overcome, and generally are different than what we think they are. So, worrying about them only causes problems. Excessive introspection = generally bad. (Of course, I and many others still do it, screwup that I am. But it's still not very good for you.)
Anyways. I'm naturally skeptical about short-term missions trips because it seems like a waste of time when you don't have time to form relationships with the people there. But, like you said (very good point, by the way) these missions trips are more for the people who go on them than the people they go to. And, from what I've seen, they're great for the people who go on them, and God really uses them to help people grow. So, from now on, I'd certainly recommed them to people. (Not that that makes any difference in anyone's opinion anyways. :D)
Hehe. I love the poem, iambic perameter-accurate or no.
At various times I learned I'm jealous, selfish, afraid, self-centered, high-maintenance, proud...I learned how flawed I am, how insignificant I am. It reflects so much on how I need God.
Amy,
If you learned this from your Costa Rican trip, it was a success. Many adults twice your age haven't learned that. When we stop relying on ourselves and starting looking to the grace of God given to us through the cross, we learn who we rely are.
At the advanced age of 39, I am still learning this daily and it is something that we each continue to have to "learn" every day of our lives. Jerry Bridges says to preach the gospel to yourself every day. So true.
I will be praying for you that God will continue to teach you as you reflect on Him.
Mrs. Stauffer
Wow, my comment won't be as long as the previous ones up there...
I just wanted to say that you should add those poems about your family to the list, which includes my limericks. =)
Much love,
~Cal
I've never been on a mission trip.
Never had the chance to before this summer, and we were gone when it was.
I did go to Yemen for 2 weeks this summer, though, not as a mission trip, more to visit a friend, but in a way I did come back changed... more of just seeing how other people lived... and even in their poor lifestyle, how much they need Jesus.
A lot of people who went on the one this summer, though, said that they felt like they weren't serving, rather the people there were serving them.
Night
Amy,
I've looked back at my Costa Rica journal as well and come to many of the same realizations as you. In a situation like that, with such close proximity to so many people all the time, tensions and emotions running high, it's almost guaranteed that the worst will be brought out in people.
The thing that you've overlooked is how it also brought out the best in people. Think about it - remember the one night that I was pacing our room in tears, hardly able to control myself, proclaiming over and over again that I just don't care anymore? You were there. You were the only person I would have wanted with me when I was feeling like that because I trust you beyond anybody else to love me despite the awful stuff I was saying that night, and to know the right thing to say to me and do with me to make me feel better. And you did. You let me cry, almost scream, and then you held me until I felt better.
You were a calming force for me. I tend to get carried away in certain situations, but you, being less likely to do so, kind of brought me back to a logical place.
And you were a constant. maybe you didn't act the same as "everybody else" on the trip, but you acted exactly as I expected you to. Amy is Amy, no matter where she is, and I appreciated it. I learned these things about you on the trip and I hadn't realized before how much I rely on you and your friendship, and probably take it for granted at times.
And of course, it's taken me what, 3 months to tell you this? But yes, Costa Rica probably brought out a lot of the junk inside you - I know it did that for me. But it also brought to light so much good that even if you didn't see in yourself, I saw in you.
So thank you for being lovely.
love you.
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