Never ready

I meant to write this later, after things really had changed and I was past high school forever, but with the mood I'm in tonight, I think it's better now.

This year has felt like one big long goodbye and at the same time one big long binge of terrified anticipation. I don't know if there's as jarring a jolt into the world as graduation from high school, but I hope this is the worst of them, because it's like thinking you can drive a car knowing only the theory of the matter - do I really have any idea what's out there waiting? Do I really have any idea what I'm doing? How do I know that the moment I change gears I won't skid out into highway traffic and get hopelessly pummeled?

I've commented to several people that if I could go back and be in high school for a few more years, I might. It's good that I can't. If I got to pick when I entered this stage of life, I'd probably be too big of a coward to ever graduate. The clock doesn't care about your plans; it keeps going.

I think it's different for me because I'm not just transitioning smoothly from high school to university. I'm not going from one institution to another. I'm going to be out in the WORLD, guys, and that's really the scariest part. Either I'm not ready for the world or the world isn't ready for me, or both, or neither.

To return to the car analogy, though, idiots learn to drive and manage to keep themselves intact. Surely I can do a little better than that. Also, the real brains behind this operation isn't letting me get at the wheel anyway because I'd only make a mess of it. That leaves me in the back seat pretending I'm in control and being distracted by passing birds.

And that puts it nicely in perspective.

(Incidentally - "God is my copilot"? Theological rubbish. You're lucky God lets you on the plane.)