My Testimony

I was baptized today (see believer's baptism from Wikipedia, different from infant baptism) and this is my testimony. (What I said before he dunked me.)

I became a Christian when I was seven. We were eating dinner at the kitchen table and my dad was explaining what this ‘becoming a Christian’ thing was. At the time, in my head, it was obvious that this was a good thing to do. I wanted to go heaven, and this was how you got there. Sounds good. I remember my mom crying after we’d prayed, and it making me feel weird. I can’t remember if I said this or thought it, but my sentiment was, “Yeesh, mom, it’s no big deal.”

From there, age 7, my spiritual growth and my relationship with God have been one very gradual progression. I can’t point to one single ‘eureka’ moment. Through my teenage years, I’ve struggled with a lot of things. I used to lie a lot to make myself look better and to disguise wrong things I was doing. I still struggle with dishonesty sometimes. I was and am a very selfish, prideful person, and I’ve always tried really hard to be that girl who has it all together and who has no issues, no problems. I’ve also struggled with insecurity, and I still worry too much about what people will think of me. But the feeling that sticks with me most strongly from my teenage years is one of spiritual inadequacy. I have always had this sensation that everyone else has something I don’t, everyone else has better faith than me, everyone else can somehow sense God and I can’t.

I’ve learned a lot of things just in the last couple of weeks, through preparing for baptism and writing this testimony. I’ve learned that faith is not a feeling, and God’s presence does not need to be ‘felt’ to be a reality. God isn’t asking me to be ‘spiritually adequate’ and he isn’t asking me to emulate anyone but Jesus. I don’t need to be anyone but who I am for God.

I have a really long way to go. I don’t have it all together. In one sense, I will never have it all together. I will never be good enough. But in the sense that matters, I don’t have to be good enough. I’m not standing here because I’m good enough. I’m standing here because I believe that God is God and that Jesus died for me, not because I was anything worth dying for but because he loved me.
In a lot of ways I feel like my faith is still new, because I didn’t go very deep, for a long time. I want to be closer to God and I want to feel his presence, and that’s where I’m going. I’m not there yet, but with His help, I will be.
My faith is a big deal. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, since age 7, it’s that.

Lastly, I can’t pinpoint a specific Bible verse that has been thematic in my life, but one that has brought me the most comfort in the last little while has been Hebrews 13:5, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” It drives home the reality that God’s presence just IS. I don’t have to feel it for it to be real, and I don’t have to be faithful or spiritually adequate or ‘good enough’. God is always with me.