This is so ridiculous that I feel it needs to be shared.

Okay. So some background, first.

Today I'm at the downtown library, Stanley A Milner, for a course that supposedly relates to helping me do my job better. *cough*. So far my favorite part has been the website scavenger hunt that the Youth Services Librarian had us do to familiarize ourselves with the Kids section of the site. I pwned. For the rest of it, I've been a little zoned out.

Also what's boiling around in the back of my head right now is the craziness that is today. See, this is what's happening: I got to the bus transit centre at about 8:15 this morning (my dad dropped me off) and took an express bus downtown at 8:27(obsessively poring over a map of the route the whole way so that I'd know what stop to get off at) to be at the library for shortly before 9. Once I got here, I kinda paced the lobby a couple times smacking myself over the head for not remembering that I'm here for NINE o'clock and the library doesn't OPEN until TEN, so now I have to find a way to get to where I need to be. A few staircases and a helpful security lady later, I found the room, and proceeded to wander around looking for the seat that was marked for me, only to realize there wasn't one because you're supposed to make your own place tag.

I'm smart. Really.

Anyway, when I'm done here (which is actually at 4:15 not 5 like they said, so that's another 45 minutes to kill) I'm bussing to the mall where I'm meeting a friend and we're doing dinner/shopping, and then she's driving us to Segue. (Young adult Bible study.) So basically, I left the house at 8:15 am and I won't be home until 10-ish pm. Fun.

So after the name tag thing I got coffee and a muffin and sat down to listen to people talk. (I was also a rebellious teenager and texted a tiny bit while they were talking, and I have a feeling the one lady knew I was.)

Oh oh oh, and tangent. See, I've heard that when you go downtown it's good to dress up, so I was hyperventilating about dressing up and had this whole getup with a skirt (!) planned and then tried it on the night before and decided (with some help) that I looked ten years older than I was and that I was trying too hard.

So I left the house this morning in jeans (dark boot-cut jeans, mind you) and a short-sleeved blazer, and my comfy work shoes. Which are a bit fashionable, they're not runners, but they're not exactly business formal. So I already felt a bit like a rebel.

And now it's lunch, and here's where the ridiculous part comes in.

I have a book signed out. It's been hanging out in my purse. What I didn't know when I signed it out is that there are two ways to sign out a book: either you sign it out so that the sensors at the library exits won't beep when you take it out, or you sign it out so that they do. I'm pretty sure the sensors are going to beep.

So I happily take this book downtown, and because I got in by such a roundabout way coming here, there was never a sensor to go over. But I just about walked outside to go to Second Cup, and then came to the sinking realization that this book in my purse is going to beep, and what do I do?

And the reason it's ridiculous is because I'm too embarassed to go to the desk and say, "Um, I signed this out wrong, can you sign it out right so that I don't beep? K'thnx." And the options I'm currently considering are A) trying to leave the way I came in, sans sensors, or B) leaving the book here, where it'll be returned, and putting a hold on it again so that it'll come to my branch. (I checked the system - 4 copies available, no holds. Should come by, like, tomorrow.)

Oh, and I also thought of going to the self-checkout and checking it out a SECOND time, but the machine will probably get confused and, like, explode.

Normally I really like technology.

EDIT: I went to the desk and kinda stammered out my problem and she gave me a look and signed it out properly and I went on my way. Yay me.

My Testimony

I was baptized today (see believer's baptism from Wikipedia, different from infant baptism) and this is my testimony. (What I said before he dunked me.)

I became a Christian when I was seven. We were eating dinner at the kitchen table and my dad was explaining what this ‘becoming a Christian’ thing was. At the time, in my head, it was obvious that this was a good thing to do. I wanted to go heaven, and this was how you got there. Sounds good. I remember my mom crying after we’d prayed, and it making me feel weird. I can’t remember if I said this or thought it, but my sentiment was, “Yeesh, mom, it’s no big deal.”

From there, age 7, my spiritual growth and my relationship with God have been one very gradual progression. I can’t point to one single ‘eureka’ moment. Through my teenage years, I’ve struggled with a lot of things. I used to lie a lot to make myself look better and to disguise wrong things I was doing. I still struggle with dishonesty sometimes. I was and am a very selfish, prideful person, and I’ve always tried really hard to be that girl who has it all together and who has no issues, no problems. I’ve also struggled with insecurity, and I still worry too much about what people will think of me. But the feeling that sticks with me most strongly from my teenage years is one of spiritual inadequacy. I have always had this sensation that everyone else has something I don’t, everyone else has better faith than me, everyone else can somehow sense God and I can’t.

I’ve learned a lot of things just in the last couple of weeks, through preparing for baptism and writing this testimony. I’ve learned that faith is not a feeling, and God’s presence does not need to be ‘felt’ to be a reality. God isn’t asking me to be ‘spiritually adequate’ and he isn’t asking me to emulate anyone but Jesus. I don’t need to be anyone but who I am for God.

I have a really long way to go. I don’t have it all together. In one sense, I will never have it all together. I will never be good enough. But in the sense that matters, I don’t have to be good enough. I’m not standing here because I’m good enough. I’m standing here because I believe that God is God and that Jesus died for me, not because I was anything worth dying for but because he loved me.
In a lot of ways I feel like my faith is still new, because I didn’t go very deep, for a long time. I want to be closer to God and I want to feel his presence, and that’s where I’m going. I’m not there yet, but with His help, I will be.
My faith is a big deal. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, since age 7, it’s that.

Lastly, I can’t pinpoint a specific Bible verse that has been thematic in my life, but one that has brought me the most comfort in the last little while has been Hebrews 13:5, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” It drives home the reality that God’s presence just IS. I don’t have to feel it for it to be real, and I don’t have to be faithful or spiritually adequate or ‘good enough’. God is always with me.

Easier Than Love - Switchfoot

I have not been able to get this song out of my head for a couple days now.

[Shortened because of some unneeded repetition of lyrics]

Sex is currency
She sells cars,
She sells magazines
Addictive bittersweet, clap your hands,
with the hopeless nicotines

Everyone's a lost romantic,
Since our love became a kissing show
Everyone's a Casanova,
Come and pass me the mistletoe

Everyone's been scared to death of dying here alone

She is easier than love
Is easier than life
It's easier to fake and smile and bribe
It's easier to leave
It's easier to lie
It's harder to face ourselves at night
Feeling alone,
What have we done?
What is the monster we've become?

Where is my soul?

Sex is industry,
The CEO, of corporate policy
Skin-deep ministry,
Suburban youth, hail your so-called liberty

Every advertising antic,
Our banner waves with a neon glow
War and love become pedantic,
We wage love with a mistletoe

Everyone's been scared to death of dying here alone

She is easier than love
Is easier than life
It's easier to fake and smile and bribe
It's easier to leave
It's easier to lie
It's harder to face ourselves at night
Feeling alone,
What have we done?
What is the monster we've become?

Where is my soul?

It's easier than love
It's easier than love
It's easier than love
It's easier than love
She is easier than love
It's easier than love

Everyone's been scared to death of,
Everyone's been scared to death of,
Everyone's been scared to death of dying here alone,
alone

Sex is easier than love,
It's easier than love,
It's easier to fake and smile and brag

It's easier to leave,
It's easier to lie,
It's harder to face ourselves at night
Feeling alone,
What have we done?
What is the monster we've become?

Where is my soul?

Switchfoot does the social commentary stuff really well. I don't why this song in particular kind of haunts me. It's true, definitely, but didn't I know it was true already? We do what's easy, and it doesn't matter if it's wrong, and at the heart of what we do is fear, as they put it, 'of dying here alone'.

Currently the banner on the screen of my cell phone says 'Love', and it was mostly because I wanted something inspirational and it was the only thing short enough that I could think of at the time (that was also the point at which I had 1 Corinthians 13:1 in my MSN status) but I'm kind of glad I have it. It's a good reminder.

Turn off the music

I need to get this all out before I forget any of it.

Our university intern was leading youth Bible study tonight, and I felt it was a truly remarkable evening, so I'm going to try to recreate it somewhat from my notes. Our topic since the beginning of the year has been Pursuing God, so tonight he kind of turned it on its head and talked about God pursuing us.

From Psalm 139:

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

So, three things from that:

1 - God knows who we are
2 - God never leaves us
3 - God loves us

On 1 - the writer of Psalm 139, King David, was not a perfect guy. He lusted after another man's wife, got her pregnant, and killed her husband. He also let the rape of one of his daughters (by one of his sons) go unpunished. And yet he is still called 'a man after God's own heart'. The point of point 1 is that God knows who we are. God know the dirty thoughts we think and the stupid things we say and the petty emotions we have and the pointless worldly things that we feel are so important. God knows who we are better than WE know who we are. This is a tangent, but I have long felt that true telepathy, which is often featured in fantasy novels, would be a completely awful thing to have. Can you imagine seeing the depths of someone else's mind? Some pretty icky fantasies go on there, and some cruel, selfish thoughts. There's a reason our thoughts are private, and it's because no one but God would love us if they knew them. God KNOWS. It doesn't matter who you are, Christian or non.

Further on point 1, God knows who we are AND he created us. He created us with every 'imperfection' that we see when we look in a mirror. Our intern (won't use his name) mentioned a personal story about a struggle of his with a sickness that he was very angry at God for giving him, and then he talked about how it had turned out to be a blessing in his life. God gave us who we are and loves who we are.

Point 2 - God never leaves us. This ties in with point 1 in that God knows our thoughts no matter where we are, physically, mentally, anything. The only time that someone has ever been TRULY separated from God is when Jesus became sin for us and died. He was separated so that we don't have to be. I am realizing increasingly that God's presence, God's love, is not a feeling. You don't have to feel a spiritual high (I am on one now) to know that God is with you. He just is. Emotions have nothing to do with it. You don't need a supernatural voice speaking in your ear to claim with all certainty, "God is with me." Hebrews 13:5 - "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Point 3 is pretty simple. God loves us. Or not simple, as the case may be. Would you love you, if you saw EVERYTHING about yourself in someone else? Would you love you if you saw all those icky things AND you yourself, looking at your icky self (this is getting confusing, sorry) were perfect? No, duh. God does not expect things. God does not set conditions. Christianity is not a set of rules to follow. Christianity is God's love, through Christ. It's love. Blessed by that kind of unconditional, forever LOVE, what is KEEPING you from living a life that is as Christlike as you, humanly and imperfectly, are able? As you are able, with Christ living in you? Romans 6:1 - "What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?" Again - no, duh. Yes, we have eternal grace, yes, our past and present and future sins were and are and will be forgiven. So what, we're going to abuse that and claim that since we have a free ride anyway, might as well take God at his word and do whatever our ephemeral passions say to do? That's some kind of appreciation for boundless love. NOT.

That was a tangent too. Anyway, I am astounded. And blessed, unbelievably blessed, to be able to claim that for my own.

Another thing that I took from tonight was an enormous sense of peace. God made me and knows me and is always with me, so what do I have to worry about? Nothing! If God wants me to be at university, I will BE there. Regardless of money, of time, of my own insecurities. God knows where I'm going and how I'm getting there. It's far less important that I know than that He knows. Mind you, this is very hard to live out, but not impossible.

A last facet that we explored as a group was the need to be real with each other. We can't encourage each other if we're constantly met with the by-rote answer 'good' to 'How are you?' If you have issues, don't bury them all the time. You do yourself more harm than good by putting on the happy face and pretending everything's okay. Society tells us to do this, and too often we listen. Too often I myself am that happy person who's afraid that if I show what I'm really feeling, people will look at me and be disappointed or think I'm a failure or what have you. Be real. Don't let everything stay in the dark until it turns into something far larger and scarier than it ever needed to be.

I think it's all off my chest. I know that was rambly. I admire you a lot if you read it all and got this far.

*deep breath*

Amen.