Today I realized just how much hearing, "How are you?" from a casual acquaintance bothers me.
Take work, for example. A lot of these people know me basically by name. They don't know much about me, just who I am, and yet whenever I walk in or happen to be shelving in the same area as them, they say, "How are you?"
And - briefly - these are my thoughts: Say something really clever. Not generic. Find a new witty way of restating 'good' or 'fine' or 'decent'. Make them think! Say how you REALLY are!
What I say: "Good. What about you?"
And half the time they don't even hear me, because when they asked "How are you?" they weren't thinking "How are you," they were thinking, "Oh, I should say something instead of letting the awkward silence stretch."
Yeah, but with awkward silence, you have the opportunity to say something wonky. Like, "Whoa, this book is called, 'The 200 Best Jobs for Introverts'!" or "There's gum stuck to this chair."
I admit it, I say "How are you." What I never know how to tack on is, "How are you? REALLY? What are you going through? What excites you? What are you looking forward to?" But because no one (surprisingly enough, eh?) can read minds, all I ever get is "Good" as well.
I need a new conversation starter. "How are you" isn't cutting it.
2 comments:
One I've heard from a guy named C.J Mahaney is to respond "better than I deserve." Usually that stuns people somewhat because we have this notion in our world that we deserve the best we can possibly get because we're just that awesome naturally, so he immediantly gets the question "why? Did you kill someone, or what?" and he gets a chance to tell them about how he's a sinner and needs God's forgiveness and share the Gospel. He has an amusing account in one of his books about ending up in tears in the Starbucks lineup telling that to a cashier, and getting odd looks from the other customers. However, that might be a bit heavy for library pages. I recommend not getting hung up on just the "how are you?" bit, proceed with that, but make sure to not let the conversation stop there. I've had good conversations that started off from a lame cliched "how are you?" It's basically just a way of saying "I acknowledge your precense" these days, and I find the awkward silence you referred to isn't disrupted much by it. There's still opportunity to make observations about gum or introvertedness, which could lead to a higher comfort level with that person and thus to more talking and so on. It is hard to get to know people, but other people have that problem too, so even if it is embarassing to forge on in an uncomfortable-sounding forced conversation, it'll get better, and they'll appreciate you stuck with it.
People who ask "how are you," in general, aren't really asking how you are, they're just filling the silence. And then people feel compelled to say "good," even if they're not, because they know the person wasn't really asking.
I have a friend who saves everyone having to answer that, especially untruthfully, because he won't ask "how are you?" If he really wants to know how someone is, he goes to them and says "I care how you are." It seems sort of weird to type it, but it works with him. he can just pull it off. And then people usually respond by telling him how they actually are.
Or he asks things like "what's new in your life" or "what's the most interesting thing to happen to you lately." It makes for usually more engaging conversations.
Not everyone can make it work without seeming strange though.
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