Because if I don't post it now I'll convince myself I shouldn't.
Memory is fading
And the sun was just a lie
When naught is left but diamond drops
Within a soft dark sky
Celestial shores beckon
From a place beyond the moon
Between the dream and waking
Worry not; I'll see you soon
Diamond turns to snow, and each
Within its crystals bright
Is different as you and me
Falling out of fading night
Pale mirror shatters
When truth dawns here below
Recall it all, here in the fall
Of sparkling diamond snow.
7 comments:
Melda, that was mean--you changed the name of your blog and didn't tell me, so I didn't know where to go to read it. -_-
I had it in my facebook status for a while. And it was on my info page. I just couldn't have the blog be called Feet of Shadows with a url of ringerpirate :P
(And darn, here I thought I was getting feedback on my poetry)
I'll give you some feedback :P
I think it's beautiful! Usually I'm not that into poetry, but this one drew me in. I like that it's very visual, especially the line "diamond drops/ Within a soft dark sky" I'm not entirely sure I get it, but I usually have a bit of trouble getting poetry :P I do have one little comment- the line "Is different as you and me" seems just a bit out of place, not quite fitting in with the rhythm of the rest of the stanzas. That's my only little nitpick, though. If you write more poems, I'd love to read them! :D
Well, as (I think) is normal with poets, I didn't really get it either when I was writing it. As of now, though, I do know what I mean, but I think it's better if I leave it unexplained because somehow that makes it more...poetic. And thanks for the feedback! I'll definitely play around with that a little, see if I can make it fit a bit better.
The rhythm and imagery are fantastic. Rhyming poetry is very difficult to achieve, and you achieved it nicely.
Only problem I think is the expression. The visuals are stunning, but I sense little or no emotional connection with the narrator. Usually visual poetry conveys something specific about what's on the poet's mind - a significant, powerful emotion that stays with the reader - and I may just be missing it here but the message seems a bit vague.
Otherwise, nicely done :)
Hey Melda, this is really beautiful! I love the "pale mirror shatters" line - it kind of provides a turn to the poem and crystallizes all of the imagery and thoughts before. It brings (to my mind at least) a powerful sense of "for now we see as through a glass, darkly", or Lewis's Shadowlands.
Yeah, that's exactly what I was getting at with that line :) I guess it was sort of an unconscious reference.
Thanks for the feedback, guys! I shall definitely revisit with this stuff in mind :D
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